This can involve a funeral director, whānau, or both, depending on your wishes and circumstances.

Ask: Who may prepare the tūpāpaku? Where would we like them to be cared for? Do we want to be present?

Whānau often think about viewing, what their loved one will wear, personal taonga, and whether to take photographs.

Ask: What did they want? What would they be comfortable with? Who needs to be asked before we decide?

Think about how and when the tūpāpaku will travel, especially if the tangihanga is at a marae far from where they died.

Ask: Who is arranging it? Does the marae or funeral director need to confirm a time?

Some deaths must be reported to the Coroner, for example sudden or unexplained deaths, deaths in an accident or from violence, and some deaths during medical treatment. Once a death is reported, the tūpāpaku cannot be buried or cremated until the Coroner authorises it.

• Whānau may ask to see, touch and stay with the tūpāpaku. The Coroner must consider tikanga Māori and other cultural needs.
• Tell the Coroner’s office and Police early about your tikanga needs.
• Whānau can object to a post-mortem. Community Law says this must be done within 24 hours of being told you can object, unless the law requires it. If the Coroner goes ahead, you have 48 hours (not counting weekends or holidays) to take it to the High Court, and Legal Aid is available.
• Release is usually authorised within about 24 hours after any post-mortem. Complex cases can take longer.

Ask: Who is our contact at the Coroner’s office? When may we see them? When is release expected? Can the funeral director or marae be told?

Coroners’ investigations and post-mortems, Community Law. Get legal advice quickly if you want to object.

Your whānau may follow Māori tikanga, a faith tradition, or both. Talk with the people whose guidance you trust.

At home: Whānau cook in the home kitchen and share the load with a roster. Slow cooker meals, roasts, soups, boil-ups, big salads, platters, bread and fruit all work. Use trays, borrowed urns and coolers for hot water and chilled food.

At the marae: Most small groups use the marae kitchen with whānau cooking, or ask the marae whether kaimahi can help. Bring staples and ask what the marae already has.

Menu ideas at home

• Breakfast: porridge or cereal, toast, fruit, tea and coffee.
• Lunch: sandwiches or rolls, a hot soup, fruit and biscuits.
• Dinner: roast chicken or ham with roast kūmara and potatoes, coleslaw and bread, or a boil-up with doughboys.
• Pudding: steamed pudding with custard, or fruit salad.

Menu ideas at the marae

• Boil-up with pork bones, potato, kūmara, cabbage, puha or watercress, and doughboys.
• Mince and vegetables, rice or mashed potato, bread.
• Fried bread or scones with butter and jam, rewena bread.
• Fish or kaimoana if you have it, with salad and bread.

Ask: Who is on the kai roster? Who shops? Who keeps the kitchen clean and the fridge organised?

At home: You may need a marquee or tables outside, extra urns, borrowed crockery, a rubbish and recycling plan, and more fridge space. Think about asking a caterer for the main meal and having whānau do breakfast, snacks and drinks.

At the marae: Share the cooking between the marae kitchen team and whānau. A kai coordinator helps. Bulk roasts, hāngī, steamed puddings, bread, salads, soups and desserts feed many people from one kitchen.

Menu ideas at home

• Breakfast: scrambled eggs, baked beans, toast, cereal, fruit.
• Lunch: platters, hot sandwiches, pasta salad, soup.
• Dinner: tray-bake roast chicken or pork, lasagne or macaroni cheese, big salads, roast kūmara and pumpkin, bread rolls.
• Pudding: trifle, fruit salad, sponge and cream.

Menu ideas at the marae

• Hāngī or oven-baked roast meat, with kūmara, potato, pumpkin, stuffing and cabbage.
• Potato salad, coleslaw and green salad.
• Seafood chowder or kaimoana if you have it, with bread.
• Steamed puddings with custard, or fruit salad and cream.

Ask: What can we batch cook? What can be donated or brought by manuhiri? Who needs to be told which dishes are coming?

At home: Hard to manage at home alone. Consider a marquee, a caterer, portable toilets and parking help, or moving the main gathering to the marae or a hall.

At the marae: Teams work in shifts: kitchen, dining room, dishes, drinks, tables and clean-up. Hāngī or a caterer for the main meals, with whānau providing breakfast and extras. A kai roster pinned up helps everyone know their shift.

Menu ideas at home

• Hard to manage alone. Consider a caterer for the main meal, and keep home for breakfast, snacks and drinks.
• Easy options in bulk: sausages and bread, pies, platters, sandwiches, soup and fruit.

Menu ideas at the marae

• Breakfast: porridge, cereal, scrambled eggs, baked beans or spaghetti on toast, toast, tea and coffee.
• Lunch: soup and bread, filled rolls, fried bread, salads and fruit.
• Dinner: hāngī or large oven roasts, with kūmara, potato, pumpkin, greens, stuffing and salads.
• Pudding: steamed pudding with custard, fruit salad, cakes and slices.
• Supper: tea, coffee, biscuits and sandwiches for late arrivals.

Ask: Who runs each shift? How many sittings does the dining room need? Who stays to clean and pack down?

At home: Not usually practical. Talk to the marae, a hall or a venue.

At the marae: Plan like a big event: a head cook, a kai committee, several teams, bulk food orders and ordering for each day. Think about large caterers, hāngī crews, butchers, bakeries and iwi or community support. Keep records of what comes in and what is left.

Menu ideas at home

• Not usually practical. Use the marae, a hall or a venue with a commercial kitchen.

Menu ideas at the marae

• Plan menus by meal and by day, and rotate dishes so the cooks are not repeating the same job.
• Bulk mains: hāngī, roast meats, boil-up in big pots, curry or stir-fry with rice, sausages and bread.
• Bulk sides: potato salad, coleslaw, green salad, roast kūmara and pumpkin, bread.
• Bulk breakfasts: porridge, cereal, eggs, baked beans, toast, fruit.
• Bulk puddings: steamed puddings with custard, fruit salad, cakes and slices.
• Bulk drinks: tea, coffee, juice and water in urns and dispensers all day.

Ask: Can the marae, hapū or iwi help with equipment or people? Which suppliers will deliver, and how early do we order?

• Space: a marquee, tables, chairs, and somewhere dry for people to eat.
• Equipment: urns, big pots, serving dishes, crockery, cutlery, tea towels, cling film, foil and rubbish bags.
• Food safety: keep hot food hot and cold food cold, and use clean serving utensils. Label dishes that contain allergens.
• Toilets and parking: more people means more toilet use and parked cars. Think about the neighbours.
• Help: ask a friend, workmate or church group to run the kitchen so whānau can sit with their loved one.

• Talk to the marae committee early about who cooks, the kitchen rules and how the marae likes kai to be organised.
• Ask whether the marae has a kai roster, regular kaimahi, or a koha expectation for using the kitchen and dining room.
• Tikanga about food: many marae keep kai and tapu separate. Ask the marae about how to handle this.
• Dietary needs: have a few options for vegetarian, gluten-free, halal, allergies, and kai for kaumātua and tamariki.
• Clean-up and kai that is left over: agree who takes leftovers and who packs down.

Prayer or incantation, used to open, close and bless gatherings and moments.

Ask: Who will lead karakia? Are there karakia our whānau or marae use?

The ceremonial call that welcomes manuhiri onto the marae.

Ask: Who holds this role for our marae and whānau?

The formal welcome of manuhiri.

Ask: What are our marae’s protocols for welcoming visitors during a tangihanga?

Formal speeches.

Ask: Who will speak for the whānau, and who for the marae? What is the speaking order?

Songs that support speakers and honour the person who has died.

Ask: Which waiata were important to them or to our whānau?

Farewells to the person who has died.

Ask: Who wants to speak? What do we want to say to them?

The bereaved whānau.

Ask: Who will sit with and look after the whānau pani?

Where the tūpāpaku lies is decided according to marae kawa.

Ask: What are the arrangements at this marae?

The burial ground.

Ask: Where do our whānau lie? Who arranges the plot, and who digs?

A ritual clearing of the house where the person lived or died, carried out after the tangihanga in many communities.

Ask: Does our whānau or hapū do this, and who leads it?

The unveiling of the headstone, usually some time after the burial.

Ask: When would our whānau like to do this?

Taking the memory of the person who has died to other places, often marae, so they can be mourned there too.

Ask: Is this something our whānau or hapū does?

A kaumātua, minister, celebrant or whānau member may lead. Choose someone who knew your loved one or who your whānau trusts.

Ask: Who does our whānau or marae usually ask? Do we need to invite them early?

Karakia, waiata, speakers, tributes, photos or a slideshow, and music. Keep it simple. Include what mattered to them.

What you need to do when someone dies, govt.nz links to guidance from Citizens Advice Bureau, Community Law and the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand.

Ring or visit close whānau and friends before anything is posted, so no one finds out online. If the death was unexpected, or Police or the Coroner are involved, wait until next of kin have been told.

Check with the whānau pani and kaumātua. Decide what will be said, who will say it, and when. Others can share the post rather than writing their own.

Their name, a line of aroha, and who to contact for details. You do not need to share how they died. Choose a photo the whānau agrees on.

• Consider a private group or message for the service address and time. Public posts can be seen by anyone, including people who may target an empty house.
• Ask someone to look after the home during the service.
• Take care with fundraising and donation pages. Only share ones the whānau has set up.
• Be careful with children’s names and photos.

Some marae and whānau do not allow photos or video, or have rules about them. Ask first. Do not post photos of the tūpāpaku.

Ask: What does the marae allow? Does the whānau want the service livestreamed for whānau overseas?

Turn on tag review, hide or delete unkind or speculative comments, and ask people not to guess at the cause of death. Ask someone to keep watch so you do not have to.

Their accounts can wait. Some platforms let you memorialise or close an account when you are ready. Save photos and information you need first.

Take a break from social media when you need one.

Shock is common. You may feel numb, confused or unable to take things in. Let others help with the practical things. Ask about Coroner or Police steps, and see the Mate page.

Suicide is complex. It is not caused by one thing, and it is not any one person’s fault. Whānau may feel shock, grief, anger, guilt and many questions at once.

You can call or text 1737 any time. The Suicide Crisis Helpline, 0508 TAUTOKO (0508 828 865), is open 24 hours for anyone in crisis or worried about someone, and for people affected by a suicide. Ask your doctor or Health NZ about suicide bereavement support for whānau.

When you tell others: you decide how much to share. When posting, you do not need to share how they died.

Police and the Coroner will be involved, and this can mean waiting and many questions. Victim Support offers free support: 0800 842 846. Ask Police for a single contact person, and keep notes of names and what you were told.

This includes miscarriage, stillbirth and the death of a newborn. Your grief is real, whatever the length of the pregnancy or life.

• Many whānau want to hold, name and say farewell to their pēpi.
• Many want to return the whenua (placenta) to the land. Ask your midwife or hospital team and your kaumātua.
• Your midwife, hospital team or a funeral director can explain your options and help with arrangements.
• Sands supports families after the death of a baby.
• Bereavement leave includes miscarriage and stillbirth.

This is one of the hardest losses. Ask for help with everyday things, take support offered, and look after any other tamariki. Skylight supports children, young people and whānau through loss. Tell the school, so teachers can support siblings.

Use plain, true words. Say “died”. Phrases like “gone to sleep” or “we lost them” can confuse and frighten children.

“Kua mate a Koro. Kāore tōna tinana e mahi ana anō, ā, kāore ia e hoki mai ki te kāinga.”

Koro has died. His body is not working any more, and he will not come back home.

Children may ask the same question many times. That is how they take it in. Answer calmly each time.

Many whānau include tamariki. Tell them beforehand what they will see, hear and smell, and who will be with them. Let them step away when they need to.

Describe what they will see first. Let them choose, and have a trusted adult stay with them.

Children often grieve in bursts. They may play, then cry, then ask about dinner. Changes in sleep, behaviour or appetite are common.

Let the school know so teachers can support your child. Rangatahi may hear news online before you can tell them. Try to tell them yourself first, and talk about what they see on social media.

Rangatahi may pull away, or seem fine. Stay close, offer a role in the tangihanga if they want one, and let them know support is there.

• Ask more than one funeral director for a written, itemised estimate. Ask what is included.
• Choose only the services you need. You can say no to extras.
• Decide a budget, and who can agree to spending.
• Ask: “Is there a lower-cost option?”
• Ask about payment options before you commit. Take care with high-interest loans.

Kai is often the biggest cost. Whānau and hapū can contribute kai, bring a dish, or take turns in the kitchen. A marae kitchen team can often help. Ask first what is needed, so there is enough and nothing is wasted.

Use garden flowers, greenery or harakeke. You can ask people to give koha instead of flowers. Make the service sheet yourselves, and share it on phones.

A kaumātua, whānau member or friend can lead the service instead of a hired celebrant or minister.

A simple casket costs less. Some whānau make or decorate one themselves. Ask the funeral director whether they will accept a casket you provide.

Costs differ by council and by place. Ask your hapū about whānau plots and whether whānau dig the grave. A headstone can wait until you are ready, and the unveiling can come later.

Health NZ notes that whānau can organise a farewell themselves. Some steps still need paperwork, such as registering the death and arrangements for burial or cremation. Ask Community Law, the council or the crematorium what is required before you decide.

Work and Income may help with funeral costs, and ACC may contribute if the death was due to an accident. Ask before you commit to spending. Check any insurance the person had. Koha can also help.

Work and Income: 0800 559 009

New Zealand consular officers can work with police to notify next of kin and help the family handle the remains, either locally or by bringing them home.

The Ministry cannot pay for funeral expenses, bringing the tūpāpaku home, or returning personal belongings. Contact the travel insurance provider as early as you can.

• Full name and date of birth
• Passport details
• Travel insurance details
• Contact details for whānau
• Cultural considerations, such as tikanga you want followed

Whānau can bring the tūpāpaku home, or hold a service overseas and bring ashes home. A funeral director in the country can manage a funeral or bringing a loved one home.

Ask: What are the costs and timeframe? What paperwork is needed? Do the airline or the country have requirements?

Many whānau want to be with their loved one on the way home and to be received by whānau when they arrive.

Ask your kaumātua: Who will travel? What karakia will be said before leaving? Who will receive them in Aotearoa, and where will they lie?

Costs can be high and timing can be uncertain, for example if there are local investigations. Get written estimates, and ask your insurer what is covered.

Bereavement leave is special paid leave. It applies to the death of an immediate family member or close friend, and includes cultural responsibilities such as a tangihanga or a headstone unveiling. It also covers miscarriage and stillbirth. Some employers offer more than the minimum. If you do not qualify, ask your employer about other leave.

Ask: Talk with your employer early. Check your employment agreement. If you are unsure, ask Employment New Zealand.

Tell your children’s school, so they can support tamariki and rangatahi.

Bereavement leave, govt.nz

Find the will and contact the executor named in it. An executor may need to apply to the court before dealing with some assets. If there is no will, a lawyer, Community Law or Public Trust can explain who can act for the estate.

• There is no rush. Belongings are part of the estate, and the will and the executor guide how they are shared.
• Check the will for specific gifts, and for wishes your loved one shared with whānau.
• Take photos or make a list before anything is moved.
• Talk with kaumātua about taonga and whakapapa items. Ask: Does our whānau have tikanga about their things, such as clothing, pounamu, korowai or photographs? Who holds taonga for the whānau?
• Let each person choose something that matters to them, and take turns rather than all at once.
• Keep their phone, computer and accounts until you have saved the photos and information you need.
• If there is disagreement, pause. Bring in a trusted kaumātua or neutral person, and ask Community Law or a lawyer for advice.

• Don’t rush to clear out the home. Hold off selling, giving away or throwing out belongings until the will and the executor are clear.
• Don’t make big decisions, such as selling a home or moving, in the first weeks if they can wait.
• Don’t pay debts from your own money or sign papers you don’t understand until you have checked with Community Law, a lawyer or Public Trust.
• Don’t leave the home empty during the service. Death notices and posts can be seen by anyone, so ask someone to stay at the house.
• Don’t cancel their phone, email or social accounts until you have saved photos, contacts and anything you need to access other accounts.
• Don’t use their bank cards or PIN. Tell the bank and ask what to do.
• Don’t pay anyone who rings or messages saying they are owed money, or who pressures you to act quickly. Check with the organisation directly.
• Don’t carry it all alone. Share the mahi, and look after yourself.

• What do I want to say to them?
• What did they teach us?
• What will we carry with us?
• What was a moment that made us laugh?

Name them. Name where they are from and who they belong to. Say what they gave to their whānau and community.

Simple words work best: “I’m so sorry.” “I’m here.” “Tell me about them.” Offer a specific task rather than “let me know if you need anything”.

Karakia and waiata differ between iwi, hapū and marae. Ask your own whānau, hapū or marae which ones they use, and who will lead them.

Ask: Which karakia open and close our gatherings? Which waiata support our speakers? Who carries them?

Before you write, gather stories. Ask whānau and friends for a memory each. Jot down words they used, things they said, and what made them laugh.

• What did they love?
• What did they say all the time?
• What did they teach you?
• What will you miss most?
• What is one moment you want to share?

• Open: who you are, and how you knew them.
• Who they were: their character, their whānau, where they came from.
• Two or three stories that show who they were.
• What they gave: what they taught you or the whānau.
• Close: a farewell and thanks.

Three to five minutes is plenty. That is about 400 to 650 words. A short, warm speech is remembered longer than a long one.

Use short sentences and everyday words. Read it aloud as you write. Where you stumble, change the words.

Humour is welcome if it fits them. Avoid inside jokes that leave people out, and leave family disagreements out of it.

Speakers follow the kawa of the marae and the whānau. Ask your kaumātua who speaks, in what order, and what is expected, before you prepare.

• Print it large, with space between lines.
• Practise out loud and time it.
• Bring water.
• Pause and breathe. Tears are fine.
• Ask someone to stand with you, or to read your words if you cannot.
• It does not need to be perfect. It needs to be from you.